By: Nicole Caldera, Abel Lopez, Kayla Padron, Carole Poveda and Jenny Quintero
Oh, the holidays! All the gifts, the food, and family. Can’t you just see the Hallmark commercial? Snow falling, a fireplace, all your relatives walking through the door with perfectly wrapped gifts and yummy treats.
Oh, wait…never mind; we’re Hispanic. For us it’s more like partying until 4am, eating until we have to unbutton our pants, and dealing with rowdy extended relatives.
Most of us can agree about drunk uncles who are the life of the party and can’t survive til’ the end of it, and that one relative who goes by Cuban time which results in them delaying the serving of the pork made in “la Caja China”. The holidays are a reunion for Hispanics. You are reunited with your cousins, especially the annoying ones who always ask you “Do you have games on your phone?”. It’s the one night of the year, when you can’t decide which table is less painful: the “kids table” or with the table of “antiques.” Then there’s your cousin that’s the golden child and endlessly brags about their grades and how every college wants them. Your parents always ask you “Why can’t you be more like them?” And of course, we all know about that one Abuela who believes that “enough food” is not enough”. Let’s not forget about the question of the night, “Y el Novio/a?” You guys know the drill. This is a Hispanic holiday!
People To Prepare For A Hispanic Holiday
1.The Random Ones that Say They’ve Known You Since You Were a Baby – Except you have no recollection of them WHATSOEVER. Like literally, you do not remember them at all.
2. The Cuban Uncle – This guy. It’s not so much about his liver, it’s more about how he won’t stop repeating himself. You don’t really care about his glory days “en Cuba”.
3. The Promiscuous Cousin – The turkey is dressed more appropriately for the occasion than she is. It’s just the family girl, don’t be so thirsty.
4. Newborn Baby – He’s passed around more than the mashed potatoes and your promiscuous cousin. Poor kid, welcome to the family.
5. The Kardashians – These are the parents of your slutty cousin. They pulled up in a black Escalade and both their reputation are trashed by the end of the night.
6. The Chainsmoker – We all have that one aunt with an endless glass of wine and a pack of Capri Ultra Lights in her bra. She is a walking chimney and super inappropriate.
7. The Hog – The porker of the family. This relative can eat for 10 and their plate is so heavy with food it requires a fork lift to get to the table. Get to the food before this guy. For sure there won’t be any of the good stuff left after they serve themselves.
8. The Rival – This is the cousin that attends Southwest, Coral Park, or Ferguson. Always throwing shade at Braddock. Tsk tsk. Don’t they know we bleed blue?
9. The Curfew Relative – The relative who always has to leave early because they have “to work”. Right. We all know they are just trying to escape the family or have better plans. Usually, they are successful, so jealous.
10. The Awkward Gringo Partner – Poor guy. Or girl. Someone should have warned them about your crazy loud family. Clearly, the significant other who brought you to the party doesn’t care about you enough to give you the heads up on what to expect.
The Watchdog 